FRIDAY, JANUARY 20TH, 2017

VIA UPPER ECHELON/TALL DESK/BIG HANDS

NOTE TO PERSONAL ASSISTANT NON GRATA:

• Trumpian business-class, Casual Friday/Uptight Monday suits and ties have traveled further than the average American -  

They will require frequent trips to the Korean dry cleaner’s after an accidental spill of GUAC at the local cantina (hold the sour cream) after a mismanagement of hand-eye coordination (i.e. distracted, laughing too hard at an absolute zinger on The Apprentice).

• Make sure to furnish the Boeing VC-25 with plenty of bottles of Trump Natural Spring Water -

The President-elect’s throat tends to dry up on account of all the hot air.

• Feed any beauty pageant contestants that may be laying around their daily allotment of iceberg lettuce -

Limit 2. Feel free to grab by pussy.

• Save any and all empty Cheetos bags, preferably with lots of crumbs still inside. His Highness crushes these crumbs into a fine powder, mixing them with only the finest of European skin creams and salves -

This is what gives Sir Trump his healthy glow! He calls it a “beauty hack!”

• Most importantly, if someone should quiz you on anything pertaining to the issues at home and abroad simply follow this 5-part system:

1. Scoff

2. Deny

3. Ignore

4. Evade

5. Upsell premium Trump fragrances (ex. Empire, Success)

Good luck! The future is ivory to maybe like, beige? No albinos though. K? Thanx! Let’s do this thang!